FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2012: Not to be upstaged by the global technology juggernaut, Apple, today the upstart New Jersey company Chasm Inc. officially launched its own market offering, the Dead Dog III. Company president, Theodor Cahoots, made the announcement at a hastily-scheduled news conference at 5am (EST) in Camden, NJ. He said, “Any fool knows that Apple is coasting on auto-pilot — releasing expensive but essentially useless pieces of plastic that make no one’s life any better. We’re audaciously taking futility one step further.”
The Dead Dog III is a significant upgrade over the Dead Dog II or I. It’s the still the trademark cadaver recuperated from the mean streets of Johannesburg, stuffed by wage-slave taxidermists in Manila, 10% of whom – the company guarantees it – attempt to take their own lives before the age of thirteen. But where the Dead Dog I offered only one feature – ruby-coloured LED lights inserted in the place of eyes, and the Dead Dog II simply added a tape recording of a fake barking noise (which typically wore out by Boxing Day), the Dead Dog III truly is a revolutionary technology.
“The Dead Dog III is covered in electrodes that stimulate certain body parts, so that customers might actually hold out hope for a while that the Dead Dog will do something useful, such as fetch the newspaper from the front door, or kill a cat – but in fact, like all previous models, it will do no such thing!” Theodor Cahoots chortled gleefully. “Even the iPad has nothing on it for sheer obnoxiousness.”
Cahoots quickly demoed the Dead Dog III, and the effect was so convincing that half of the front row of spectators fled for the exits, fearing that the Dead Dog was going to come bite off their legs.
“I’d like to see Steve Jobs, or whoever his lame successor is, try to top this!” Cahoots exclaimed. “At $1,500, the Dead Dog III represents the boldest heist perpetrated against consumers in capitalist history. By carefully marketing Dead Dogs as must-have accessories, our business plan foresees $10 billion in profits by 2015. Let’s hear it for commodity fetishism!”
Chasm has invested heavily in Nigeria in order to facilitate its anticipated rapid growth. It is vital to the company’s reputation that it plunder as much nickel, cadmium and various alloys as possible. It will aggressively and wantonly implant these elements throughout future Dead Dogs, to prove that it’s just as serious as Apple about using up the world’s resources as soon as possible. Every future Dead Dog is forecast to be 25% more expensive than its immediate predecessor.
“Furthermore,” said Cahoots, “A small army of Chinese children is working diligently but quite unsafely to dispose of mountains of discarded dead dogs – you should see them at it! And the effluent from our products is more toxic and dangerous than that of any ‘smart phone’, because we add to the mix various biological agents, the consequences of which we can only begin to imagine!”
Dead Dog fans greeted the new product offering with euphoria.
Said Brooklyn resident, Dither Shrumpers, “Every time a new Dead Dog comes out, I camp overnight to be with the first to buy it, and even though I’ve thrown my back out three times dragging these products home, I basically know my life would mean nothing if I didn’t slavishly obsesses over my Dead Dog. I can’t get enough of fondling the cold, dead testicles. I know it’s a toy, but I love it.”