How do you obtain gold? In days of old, you would enslave the indigenous inhabitants of South America and simply steal it all. For good measure, you’d throw in a bit of genocide so that those Aztecs and Incas would truly understand who is the Big Cheese. But these days you have to buy gold. Pretty frustrating eh? Because you can’t buy gold without having money. And money is a slippery eel. These days, money is behaving less like money and more like some kind of weird cultish symbol such as you might find being erected on Easter Island by a starving tribe.
Is money a reliable indicator of value or even satisfaction? We argue, “No!” We tried a simple experiment. We dressed up a hundred-dollar bill in an elegant black skirt and hung a pearl necklace around Benjamin Franklin’s neck. We still weren’t stirred to fornicate with it. We traded the necklace and skirt for a Gucci suit and Rolex watch. Still not moved. We sautéed the ten dollar bill with scallions and smothered it in a rich cream sauce and attempted to eat it. The bill got stuck in our craw.
The conclusion of our experiment is that money has no intrinsic value.
Gold, on the other hand, in a word, is awesome. In the words of the inimitable Glenn Beck, “If I owned my weight in gold I’d be more fortunate than 99.9% of the world’s population, not merely owing to my ownership of the gold but also because I am a fat oaf.”
Now we would like to suggest that you have the chance to be just a fraction as fortunate as Glenn Beck. We’re offering you the chance to win 10 ounces of gold bullion. And you don’t even have to massacre a jungle-full of Aztecs!
By clicking on this link, you’ve already proven you are highly motivated by gold. But just how motivated are you? We want you to get on all fours, roll around on the carpet like a dog in dirt, and woof loudly, “I like gold!” Then we’d like you to salivate when we mention gold. Then we’d like your help in making this link go viral. Post it on your Facebook wall and tweet it! Let’s see if Ashton Kutcher will tweet it. Let’s be part of the biggest collective frenzy over gold that the world has seen in over half a century! First person to get this link 10 million hits wins… 10 ounces of gold bullion!
What will you do with your glorious gold booty? Dare to dream! We have some constructive suggestions. Ask all your friends to come over and admire your gold. (Have security vigorously frisk your friends beforehand, of course.) Imagine their envy when they see that bewitchingly radiant blob of precious metal! Alternately, you could make a miniature statue of yourself that will stand for centuries after you’re deceased. In two hundred years, your descendents will probably dance around that statue as if it were a god!
The world economy is like a swift, sleek, state-of-the-art computer that somebody spilled Pepsi all over; money is clogged in the arteries of the market system like grease in the veins of chronic hamburger-muncher; America is a corpse! Only one thing can bring you any lasting happiness in this quagmire: yes, gold! Don’t delay, win your gold bullion today. It’s more inert than a dead dog but 100% guaranteed to be man’s best friend for life.