Hi folks! I’m Buck Beefheart. That’s not the name my mother gave me. It’s better than that; it’s the one I gave myself. Ten years ago, when I was in the maelstrom of misery that was my former life, I realized that I had to take charge of my destiny. And I started by taking charge of my own name. My mom, God bless her soul, had limited my prospects with the name Timmy Pizzle. It’s all water under the bridge now, and I forgive her, for she knew not what she did.
Onwards! You’re going to hear that word a lot from me. Because if you’re not going onwards, you’re going backwards, and backyards is a place nobody wants to be.
To ease you into the rigourous training regimen of your mind that you will be embarking on in this book, I’d just like to warm you up with a few tips about how I get up every day and stay so positive and productive.
It starts with the right bed. My mattress is a Magniflex, retailing for $24,000. It is a thermo-regulating, anti-bacterial, odor-proof, and anti-stress five-zoned memory foam construction which is custom fit to the proportions of my body. Did I tell you that the proportions of my body are generous? Well, they are. So my mattress is generous too.
Capitalism! That is another word you’re going to hear from me often. Some people don’t like it. Some people say it failed to deliver lasting prosperity and stability to America. Well folks, there is a word for people like that.
Right from the second I leave the loving embrace of my Magniflex mattress and my beautiful Brazilian wife, Maguenta, capitalism plays an integral role in my life. I walk to the laptop that sits on my elegantly appointed mahogany table in the corner of my spacious bedroom. I enter my username, Beefie, and my password – money69 – just kidding, I’d never reveal that, ha ha! – then I check my shares.
My shares are doing well. That puts a smile on my face immediately.
So the first lesson learned is to start each day by doing something positive. On no account should you start the day by listening to your kids ransack the fridge in search of chocolate, which would oblige you to yell at them; nor should you start the day by listening to your old crone of a wife complain about her bad back or her latest “woman problems.”
Negativity like that breeds more negativity. If you have people in your life who bring you down, remove them. Yes. I just said that. Remove them. You don’t need their BS. They are human garbage and are a waste of your time.
Breakfast! You’re going to get sick of that word by the time this book is through, but it’s for a worthy cause. No man can get very far in life if he petulantly refuses to feed himself some eggs, waffles, bacon and freshly-squeezed orange juice for breakfast. Hey, you can hold the waffles if you want, but do not pass on the bacon.
Eat in silence. Listen to the movement of your jaws working away on your food. The gnashing of your teeth, the wriggling of your tongue, the hungry gulping of your throat… This is part of your essential life force. You are a powerful person. The pig is getting turned to mud inside your gut. Who’s the dominant one in this man-animal relationship?
Ready for more inspiring advice? I hope so. That was just the warm up.