According to a new survey by StatistiCon Canada, more boys want to grow up to be a railroad baron or publishing magnate than a chimney sweep. Oil tycoon also ranks highly, but fishmonger does not. As for being a greengrocer, one boy interviewed said he’d rather be a hatter!Chief researcher, Ed Biggue, was available at a hastily-scheduled press conference to help explain the results.

“What is stunning about these findings,” he said, “is that 98 per cent of boys appear to have entirely ignored popular culture for the last fifteen years, and have instead been highly influenced by nineteenth and early-twentieth century literary fiction. How else to explain the 6,034 boys in our study who mentioned haberdasheries?”

The survey looked in-depth at boys’ interests, hobbies and social values. For example, many boys agreed that, “tastefully chosen clothes from one’s favourite haberdashery help make the gentleman.” But they also thought that, “wearing excessive bling-bling and Pimp-Czar T-shirts makes a man resemble an attention-seeking thug.”

Many boys found that after consuming a meal of mutton accompanied by a rich cream sauce, smoking a cigarette aided considerably in their digestion. However, they did insist on retiring to a private room for this, preferably a parlour or drawing room, given that such confines are more conducive to quiet and civilized conversation than the dining room, which is generally situated closer to the kitchen, and the ensuing distraction of the servants’ hustle and bustle, not to mention the “chatter” of ladies.

One boy said, “I appreciate ladies more when they are decorative than talkative!” cracking a grin and then sneezing into his handkerchief. His friend delivered him a playful poke to the bosom.

“Quite naughty you are!” he chortled.

One hundred percent of the boys agreed that the females of our species should not smoke and those that do can generally be dismissed as vulgar and most probably prostitutes or otherwise “loose.” Boys generally do not favour degenerate behaviour.

“I prefer women who restrict themselves to consorting chiefly with their families in public,” wrote one boy in the comments section of the survey. “To do otherwise is to bring ill-repute not only upon the lady but also upon her husband and children.”

As for sports, many of the boys are quite mad for them! Cricket is universally adored and its terms and references have entered the popular lexicon. For example, most boys agree that only a clueless halfwit would express distaste for something by saying “That shit is not dope.” If you disagree with something, future gentlemen, you should say, “That is not cricket.”

For example, “Israel invading Lebanon? That is not cricket!”

Speaking of Lebanon, most boys take a keen interest in politics and world events and would rather read the newspaper than trick out their car and cruise down the boulevard looking for bitches. The interest in politics extends to local considerations.

Said one boy, “I am actively involved in the charitable sector and can think of no greater aspiration than committing oneself to the plight of the downtrodden.”

This boy gives twenty percent of his pocket money to the local homeless shelter every week! He is also a frequent patron of his local club.

Most boys find the ongoing complications in relations between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to be an example of “atrocious behaviour” and wish that if the media truly insists on incessantly rambling on about superficialities, they could at least turn their attentions to something more instructive, such as the proper cut of a waistcoat.

Meanwhile, among themselves, boys talk decently and profoundly – far above the level set by the universally reviled “prurient press.”

For example, when expressing interest in a lady, most boys, contrary to popular belief, do NOT say, “Shit, I’d love to tap that ass.” They say, “It would be a pleasure to make that lady’s acquaintance!” Similarly, if a boy is describing an intimate encounter with a larger lady, they do NOT say, “She shook me all night long.” Instead they say, “Her considerable girth provoked a good deal of exertion on my behalf!”

In all things, good taste is paramount. For example, 9.7 out of 10 boys cite author Henry James as a hero. Only 0.3 of a boy cites rapper 50 cent as a hero.

In conclusion, the future of North America is in good hands, because today’s boys are healthy, rugged, stoic sorts with rosy cheeks and firm handshakes and a compelling need to do good for their brethren!